Practicing RET - For Yesterday and Today

  I'm aware that my performance on this blog has been very lackluster from the get go, and I do not deny it, and I will not make excuses for it. Recently I have not posted much, specifically information on my BDS, with yesterday as the exception, where I expressed doubt at my choices. This is unsurprising given the amount of extreme changes my life, and by extension my emotional state, has sped through in the last week. Regardless, yesterdays in-class BDS saw me reading Orson Scott Card's book How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy hoping to dispel all my reservations. Or at least that's what I thought I was doing. By the end I realized this action was almost entirely unrelated, and could not really be considered a BDS. It's official. I have maintenance problems: with this blog, with my BDS, with meditation, with everything. It's no secret why. Iv'e done more than enough explaining on that front, any anymore would be beating a dead horse, so instead I would like to put into practice Boise's RET (Rational Emotive Therapy). So, without further adieu:

A - The Activating Event

For me, the activating event occurred through our kindness meditation. Something that the voice had said stuck out at me, and really made me uncomfortable throughout the meditation. It exemplified how I was feeling at that particular moment, and circled around for the remainder of the class. I can't remember the exact wording, but she said something about thinking of, "what makes you feel bad about yourself." Dumping someone. Moving out. "How does your body feel that emotion?" In my stomach, in knots; gnawing, thrashing, violent, steel-winged butterflies tumbling around like towels in a dryer. This emotion was overpowering, and it did not make me depressed, but as much as I tried to kill it with kindness, it would not go away.

B - The Beliefs (or Irrationalities)

Here is a short list of the beliefs that went through my head:

1. I cannot concentrate now, I am much too anxious to write.
2. Do I really want to write a sci-fi story?
3. I don't feel like writing sci-fi.
4. If I don't feel like writing it, then it must not be what I am mean to write.
5. Maybe I should just pretend like I am working.
6. I can do a real BDS when I get home later and feel better.
7. I'm getting burned out with this story anyway.

C - Consequences (of Irrationalities)

Today, I can see the consequences pretty clearly. I did not write at all yesterday, breaking my internal vow. I lost self integrity, allowing myself a pass. If I allow myself one pass, more will follow, until I am blocked again. This behavior cannot be tolerated. However, beating myself up about it will not solve anything either. Going through the consequences for each of my 7 beliefs, or what I would call excuses, from yesterday could be worth looking into.

1. By allowing my concentration to be ruled by emotion, I have engaged autopilot. This belief shows that I do not wish to be mindful of this particular moment, instead letting worry and angst consume me. Is that really how I wanted my BDS to play out? It's a waste of time...
2. Yes. Of course you do. This belief os product of 1. Doubt enters because you give it the opportunity through unsettling emotions. If I did not truly want to write a sci-fi story I would not have begun it in the first place, or researched it with such fervor.
3. Again, one thing leads to another: 2 leads to 3. Let me correct this: "I don't feel like writing sci-fi right now." Of course I didn't, I was being emotional and making excuses. Just because one has a momentary aversion to complete a BDS, does not mean I can't do it anyway. Not wanting to do something doesn't make it okay not to do it, and putting it off till later fosters the belief that inspiration should rule when one writes, as well as fosters bad behavior in not completing BDS.
4. No, no, no! Again, if you add right now after both of these statements, it changes the meaning completely, showing their absurdity. It's not about how I feel or what I'm meant to write, it's about willing myself to write even when I don't feel like it. BDS are about the habit, not the content. I am letting my anxiety, which I feel on the surface, effect my self-esteem. I am a good writer, and even if what I write is crappy because I myself am feeling crappy, oh well. Doing it anyway is good practice!
5. Bad form. Now I move from belittling my self integrity to risking my integrity amongst my peers. Plus, I still end up getting nothing done. How can that be helpful? It isn't. Period.
6. Now I am just avoiding the problem, moving into denial. What makes me think that I will want to write later? That I won't let this anxiousness continue to fester? There is no guarantee I won't, so it's best to do as Nike says: "Just do it."
7. Add right now ect. 

D - Disputation

I think I actually moved into this step when I was writing out my consequences. These seem to overlap a bit. Rather than waste time reformatting, you get the picture.

E - The New Cognitive-Emotional Effect

I feel that had I actually pursued any of these excuses/beliefs, I would have found the confidence to write, and would not have hid safely behind my kindle, reading. For time purposes I must avoid a lengthy conclusion. I think I get the picture when it comes to RET and its benefits. Today in class, when we do a BDS, I will practice it in my prewriting, just as Boise says we should do, to avoid another catastrophe like yesterday...